There is a fine line between, Dating someone and falling in love with someone who you aren’t dating. That’s where it all gets complicated and thus ends up beings described as “COMPLICATED” . So what happens when that someone breaks your heart unintentionally? Well, its okay to break down and cry it out.
I would totally fail as an analyst as I cannot analyse the depth of ignorance guys have towards feelings and how they sabotage interpersonal communication and emotions to save themselves from emotional pain in future. Here, I do not intend to say that men are ignorant or anything but that is what has been happening and they only do things what they feel is right.
Well, maybe it is pretty easy for them to move on and totally skip the getting hurt part, what they don’t see is, it is just not them in the complicated episode. There is someone else getting hurt too. Which they sadly fail to notice!
Well, Love (considering if the action has already begun from one end) does not ask for permission or wait for magic to happen. Love happens ! It does not say ” HEY, YOU TWO ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE. YOU TWO CAN’T FALL IN LOVE” or “YOU CANNOT DO THIS, HE/SHE IS NOT THE RIGHT PERSON” . Its sad that we cannot choose what we feel, well instead love chooses us. It chose you and me for this event ! You’ve already fallen for it now.
It gets worse when the unlabelled complicated relationship gets rough, It gets cruel and unkind when things start to fall apart. This sort of relationship is no less than a normal relation because the love remains the same, the only difference being the person you love does not love you back or its just too complicated to explain the scenario . Here you also end up loving the person who you don’t have more than some one you had before in your life. But there is always the “what if” factor attached to it. There is always something exciting and appealing to all of us. We always want something or someone we cannot have. There is always some CHASE .
So, now in this scenario you love this person and the chase is over. The honey-moon period is over! It gets monotonous and tedious . You are compelled to move out this feeling, forced to not to feel what you are feeling, face the reality. what would you do?
There is no conscience ending to this because there was no definite beginning to this feeling !
It sort of became a joke in my head, in this relationship that I found myself lost in. I was a joke among my friends and myself for letting it get to me. I usually put my guards up but this time it got me. I thought I was playing safe ! The best word in this world that can best describe the unlabelled relationship was “confused”. Because it was so random and unrealistic at a point. It was no more intellectual , no more new, no more anything. It was monotonous. One time We are perfectly fine. The other days we are quiet and calmer like both of us din’t exist for each other.. We were never clearly defined. There was nothing defined !
There was just Skype, a lot of E-mailing, singing and tagging on instagram, nothing else described our feelings . Only talking happened as if love existed. When actually nothing did. Some days we ended up not talking for a week and then everything was normal again, it all happens again like everything was normal . The only thing that was missing was a label.. which did not even bother any more.
Maybe this is what happens when you are in love, you try settling down for some one but instead they toy with your strings of love unintentionally and you end up getting hurt. There is no more running around the bushes.
That one evening :
” I dont want to upset you anymore. I just want you in line with reality..And I do understand your past has been crazy and possibly hurtful. But I don’t know I am ready to offer you what you ask for right now. “
It wasn’t any different than what others did. But there was something which was very different, I saw consideration and saving the emotions before they get any wasted. He was definitely pulling himself away from the feeling I was offering. But it should not matter any more. I am hoping he returns but I know he wont. Because I just know ! So I end up picking up the broken pieces again wondering and asking myself why do I let this happen to me all the time?! Is it because I suck at converging at the right guy or maybe I attract guys who are heart-breakers !?
If you look at me I am not one of those girls who downs vodka shots when things don’t take a good turn or distraught over a broken heart. I mean why do I even cry, when it wasn’t even a relationship? No one is going to talk about me or my broken feelings because no body knows about it . I mean how do I show it to you, tell you “this guy, who you dont even know. this guy who I have not seen for awhile. oh yeah he is in a different country too.. soo yeah that guy, who I didn’t date. yes, he broke my heart completely !” There would come a lot of explaining for a person to understand my feeling and what I am going through. Not denying that my heart was broken very unintentionally.
So my plan of action to to stay quiet and silent because I am trying to understand myself and my feelings and gush of emotions. Only my silence would speak enough and tell the story of a girl who never got the feelings she truly deserved despite being so loyal and tremendously patient for someone who she really liked, but she stuck it out blindly believing that she was not the one for him or maybe he was just not ready for that sort of a commitment. I am going to spend my sunday’s listening to the songs he sang for me and the picture we shared together. Listening to sad songs make no sense but they seem soothing and make sense for those two minutes .
I want to be quiet because if people know what I am feeling, some might call it desperate, few might feel pity and the rest are going to be judgemental about my feelings.
I hope if anyone is going through the same feeling, I hope you find someone who gets it, Some one who understand you. If you find me next to you or around you. well, I would not call you crazy for loving some one who you did not date. I applaud you for your bravery. I am proud of your bravery. It takes more than courage to love some one who does not love you back. Because I know and you know that we did not choose to fall in love. Who did? Love chose us, despite knowing the circumstances you are going to be in and the individual you are dealing with. What you did was commendable ! I will also say you have the Audacity to love someone who was never yours completely but at that moment it felt like it was love, when sadly it wasn’t . I pray that you gather that same courage and strength that you had when you once you loved them, to let them go. We know he/ she doesn’t deserve you in the first place !