Heartbreak is something that we tend to think of when we are with someone who we really love. It consumes half of our time thinking about the far off future. But that is separate. When we are in love all we think of is the butterflies in our stomachs , spending hours and days with the person, dreaming of the ideal date with them,picnic Sunday’s and what not. I have spent hours doing this jazz. I try doing pretty-pink-and-nice-everything-is-fine things for the people I love. I try not to be the same old monotonous lover but yeah eventually I end up being one.
What I do differently when I am in absolute love is WRITE. I write a lot of letters, Letters are always on the go from my side. That is how I choose to show my actions when I am not sure if I can say things straightforward besides that does not mean that I cannot feel or express emotions. Oh I have a typical lovey face when I am writing letters. Now I am doing E-mails. haha!
There are times when I just want to throw away myself (That is in my head only) into understanding this new being in my life keeping the insecurities away and genuinely trying to be a part of his life. Not that I am a creep of any order but I try learning his life and the people who surround his life and being happy for the things that make him happy. I’ve always been the heartbroken one and opening up to someone very new is very hard for me to trust with my weakness and insecurities and other aspects of my life. Fully exposing myself seems like a great threat sometimes but keeping it all aside I choose to believe in the idea of love that has blossomed between the two of us. Because love can have happy endings too if you meet the right person for your life and not end miserably.
I am someone who hates confinements and and scared of commitments but these little things are never really shown on my face Because loving someone means to choose freedom and giving the other the privacy and space that they want. Loving someone is giving them all the time in the world to do what they want and not stopping them to achieve it. I don’t want my other half to stop me from enjoying my life because I stopped them. Love is compromise till the end. You want to enjoy? let them enjoy too.
When I write letters to somebody with all my heart and emotions I have very high expectations that I will get something in return too. Maybe a “thank you, sugar. This made my day” But honestly this never really happened. I came to an understanding that everything in love cannot be sugar coated. ( But This morning I got a lovely e-mail and it made my day. I wanted to cry because never in my previous year of experience I received anything with such gesture. It means so much to me).. So what I learnt was I should never show my expectations and scare the other one instead I should help them rise to meet them. what the hell, why expect? just shower all the love that I have. I will be remembered someday for all that I have done.
“If its meant to be. It will be” is my theory about love. I actually go with the flow and try not pushing it hard to make it work But at the end of the day I don’t want to be the one realising that they are not in love any more and I am the one left behind. I generally don’t forgive people easily -after a month I let go though- because I have an experience dating assholes and have showed me tough love. However I still believe that there is always some good in a person, I give them a second chance because I know what it feels like to be denied of that privilege.
I appreciate someone who has a lot of patience and is a lot calmer than I am because I am generally the loud one. That teaches me to be quite when it requires. I appreciate the awkward silence we share in that moment and let the gush of feelings stay calmer and relax. I also appreciate people who do not rush into things and go with slow pace at a time as it gives us the time to think about ourselves. When I really care for someone I will never be annoyed with their hectic schedules and understand the “I have a life too” part. . Their minor frustrating habits are not going to disappoint me. I know in my heart that the way they treat me is what matters more. Not the right shirt or trousers or shoes are things that disturb me when I really like the person.
So in my previous relationship I was the one who held onto it even when he was gone, which was a major disappointment. I was lost and I clearly did not know how to respond to that feeling. I was hurt . That is when I told myself ” I am not going to be clingy at any point of time because I know how badly it hurt me” and also concluded that I want to be on even footing with the person the next time. I am definitely not trying to boast about myself here but I put in extra efforts at times to make it work just to receive the love in return. Not that I am playing any games here, NO! I am not giving any body or taking anybody’s “Chase” because I honestly don’t find it alluring or sexy any more. Those days are gone my friend! It is just very exhausting and time consuming.
This new years I decided that I would be giving the space that they want because I know its not always going to be “meee tiime”. Well that recharging can happen often but otherwise I know that they just want to hang out with their friends. Which I completely respect.Also that I would try to show them what I felt before, I want them to know what hurt me before because I know that these things shape our love and feelings. However, they should know that when I am doing this it means that I love them so much that I trust them with my weaknesses and my down falls , my secrets and my flaws …