Like every other 21 year old does, I attended my final days of college, went out with the girls, I had fun at the pretty parties we went to, working peacefully in a Real Estate firm, I also went
onto dating guys .
Well the intention behind it was clear, to perceive the world from both the perspective, mine and his. To love and be loved. To be all he wants. Though its unfortunate that never seemed to happen. So, every time I had a lover, who I genuinely seemed to like “out of the world” left me without any serious explanation. They just left. Which broke my heart even more. Each time this happened I had a change in my perspective or definition of love. that : ” love is just an illusion, I will have a very hard time finding my other half “. I also have begun hating the idea of love ( I immensely love my family though) , emotions , feelings (in reference to guys ). I am missing out on a lot right now. But believing it is just a phase in my life and every other 21 year old goes through ( when they are going through a heart break. I completely understand) .
What I miserably fail to understand is how can one choose to forgive somebody who has hurt your feelings and has walked all over you? how is the idea of ” To forgive and forget..” even applicable, because the last thing I know about forgiveness is ” Forgiveness is virtue; forgiveness is sacrifice.. and by forgiveness is it that the universe is held together“. How can somebody let go of the feelings you have cherished and would not like to let go of it?! when I was in a state of trauma and heart break I realized I had this vengeful mind and I lost myself to Anger, hate, betrayal, avenge and what not. To forgive somebody who has hurt your true feelings is unimaginable and unbridgeable. (At least it was to me).
I cannot imagine someone who has hurt me, walk away freely.feeling like they have done nothing to me because I am truly hurt and I am losing myself to the unbearably feeling of being lost and helpless and unattended. I want to justify my broken heart and I yearn to make the guy feel what I am going through. Like they say “Everything is fair in love and war” and right now I feel I am a part of this game and I want to even out the scores and brush off the misery . Probably that should do just fine to soothe my aching heart.
To this Feeling of Anger I realized, its just.. a blinding rage ..it is a noxious feeling, so unpleasant that I felt horrible. I am an optimistic person, I always wish the best for people, I motivate people , I love watching people grow in their lives. I am the kind of ” yes man!” that never says a No! to nobody.
What has happened to me was unthinkable. I had such negative vibes. Anger is just a momentary feeling, it lasts till you avenge your feelings, it lasts till you quench your thrust for the hurt in you. Anger is just a feeling of refusal. A refusal to heal from the hurt. Heart break is like an open wound and anger acts like scab that we keep picking or itching on. Because the pain is irritating and unbearable. Anger just wants your wound to keep bleeding. which means not choosing to move on and living the painful past. But “that” feeling does not realize that “the past is over”. Its is gone, what had to happen has happened, the damage is done. The dust has settled over the ruins and you cannot recreate a palazzo. You cannot recreate the love that has been lost.
So after taking responsibility for what has happened ( I presume that’s the first step to forgiving someone ) . I take the charge to clean the mess myself. Not to hurt the one who broke my heart and by keeping it peace in between and just coming to my terms and accepting the apology that I will never get and accepting that the hurt is going to leave a mark and I have to live with it for the rest of my life. Giving priority to my own peace and mental well being and hoping that a greater good is on its way.
I also learnt and accepted that forgiveness is not at all about ” just coming to your own terms and conditions” . Its also means you validate yourself and your life, you take charge of your destiny and life and your own karma and also coming to an understanding that the life ahead is going to be wonderful and happy and not miserable. A friend told me “Things that happen to you, Babli are just lesson’s in your life. You learn from them. Its a chapter of your own book. you turn the page and move on! These mistakes that you do (in reference to dating the wrong guys who are emotion-less beings and leave me stranded and cheated) are just mistakes, you learn, you grow. These mistakes do not define you. You always have a choice by letting it go and cherish the moments”. So what I inferred by her words was that ” you are not going to let what happened to you, define you or your life any longer”. It does not mean you give up on feeling loved or unwanted or feeling heart broken or stranded and troubled . Forgiving starts by being ready to take it all back and reliving the amazing life you have laid before you .